I must have something on my forehead that reads, "If you are incapable of having a normal conversation and cannot pick up a girl to save your life, please come talk to me" because, in the event that I do get approached while out, it more often than not results in an awkward situation where the guy totally weirds me out and/or offends me.
Here are my Top 5 Favorite Incidents
5. Save a Horse, Ride a Cow?
So picture it, it's me and 2 of my friends sitting at a booth at the bar and over comes 2 guys who just so nicely squeeze their way into our booth with us. They start the usual lame line of "so, you come here often?" I knew it wasn't going to go well from there. The guys proceed to tell us that they 'aren't from around here.' This is where we make a wrong turn and end up in Weirdville. One of the guys said, "Yeah, I rode into town from Ames on my cow." Puzzled does not even begin to describe the looks on our faces. We quickly made a U-Turn and left them in the dust.
Lesson: Don't make absurd comments when you don't know the people you are talking to - we don't know you, we don't know your sense of humor.4.The Smooth Talker
We were out for a friend's birthday, just trying to have a good time, and this guy approaches me while I was bellying up to the bar for a drink. He introduces himself and we start conversing. He was kind of cute and the conversation was going well, until he made the mistake of asking me, "So, you going home with me tonight?" Now only one thing was going through my head at this point - clearly this guy is clueless. By no means did I do anything or say anything to even
sort of suggest I was going home with this guy.
Lesson: Learn how to read people.3. I Object!
I was out celebrating my friend's law school graduation and met a few other of his fellow graduates. One of them looked like he should have been hosting a game show, circa 1974, and I was the unfortunate contestant.
*ding ding ding, what do we have for her Johnny* He approaches me, looks me up and down, and says, "You look like you're going to need a divorce lawyer someday..."
Lesson: Never try to get a girl's attention by insulting her - it will never work.2. Take Your Positions...
I was indulging in a few beverages while listening to Johnny Cover-Band, who has the same act every Friday night at this particular establishment, and this guy who I knew of from college comes over to our table and starts talking to me...let's call him Walking STD...so WSTD starts talking to me and amidst our b.s. conversation about how we know the same people, Johnny Cover Band starts playing the infamous Tenacious D song...
This is a song for the ladies, but fellas listen close...*cue the hoops and hollers from the crowd* After the song was over, WSTD leans in close and asks, "So, what is your favorite?"
Lesson: It is not cute, nor clever to quote a line from a Tenacious D song to someone you barely know, especially if you're more notorious for being the campus male slut, than the star wrestler....1. Roofie Wishes and Kidney Dreams
Naomi and I elbow our way through the crowd to get up to the bar and next to us are 2 guys. One guy flirtatiously accuses us of 'budging' in front of them, even though they already had drinks in there hands. Then he goes one step further and says that it would be so nice of us to offer to buy them a round of drinks as well. Seems pretty harmless, right? He then uses the overly-used/not funny comment about us not putting roofies in their drinks, because he had a bad experience last time. He keeps on with the story and says how last time this happened he woke up with one of his kidneys missing. *cue the scary music from
Psycho*
You think after seeing the looks of pure horror on Naomi and I's faces that we are actually still standing there listening to him go on about his 'missing kidney', he would have stopped...but oh no, he keeps going. I finally interrupt him after he asked me if I wanted his other kidney, and said, "If this is your pick-up line, I suggest you get a new one because it's not working." He replies, "No, it's not a pick-up line, it's supposed to make you feel creeped out and uncomfortable." To which I say, "Well, congratulations, you're succeeding" and walk away.
Lesson: Keep it in the circus guys.
