Are You There God, It's Me Nic

I have a confession...

For the past 7 years, going to church every week is not something I've been very good about. Let me preface my next statement with this - I know it should not be used as an excuse. But for me, I get this overwhelming sense of loneliness when I go to church...and this stops me, more often than not, in going to church every week.

I can remember the first time I went to church in college. It was my first week there and I was holding back tears as the first few notes of the opening hymn were playing. As I looked around at the congregation, I saw nothing but families. I looked to each side of me yearning for my family to be there.

I thought that because it was my first week of college, it was probably natural to feel that way and it was most likely my first bout of homesickness. But to be perfectly honest, anytime I attend church by myself, that overwhelmingly empty feeling comes over me.

It is really kind of frustrating when I think about it. You would think church would be the one place I would least likely have these kinds of feelings haunt me. Shouldn't I find comfort in attending church and only feel a sense of love as I pray? Am I not focused enough in that time of worship to ignore those pangs of loneliness?

It is hard for me to look around the room and see families seated together while I'm alone because I've always associated church as a family thing. Every Sunday my family attended church, usually followed by a Sunday breakfast/brunch. I guess I took for granted those 18 years I was at home that I was lucky to have my family to attend church with. I definitely don't anymore. I look forward to it - knowing I'm not only going to be attending church, but also knowing I won't be experiencing those awful feelings, and as pathetic as it may sound, holding back tears.

I'm not sure how I can change the way I feel. Should I make an effort to make plans with friends to go to church? Although most of my friends here aren't Catholic, it is an option. Yesterday, as L and I drove past a church, we both made the remark that we should go more often. Instead of us each going alone to our respective churches this morning, we decided to go together. It wasn't a Catholic mass, but it was nice to have a friend sitting next to me, and certainly better than not going at all. (Plus, L went to Easter mass with me at St Francis)

Or do I just need to suck it up and go and stop using the 'lonely' excuse? Probably.

Putting it into perspective, it's only an hour out of my day and I although for that hour I don't feel the best, I always do feel good about it afterward.

Hidden Treasure?

I haven't been having much luck getting my hands on the books I've had on my list lately. I was planning on reading Born To Run over my mini vacation, but it was checked out, so I checked a different one off my list, Resilience. (which was a great read) I also have The Help on my list, but that too was checked out. And then I tried Have a Little Faith, and again, checked out.

So while milling around the library tonight, I decided on The Five Languages of Love. I've never read this book but thought that after 10+ years, I might as well hop on the band wagon and see what all the hype was about.

The Five Languages of Love sits in the Non-Fiction side of the library, tucked away with other books about love and relationships. Could I have possibly stumbled upon the hidden treasure? Was this the pot of gold every single person in America has been searching for? Hardly! I found myself totally entertained and a little appalled with some of the titles of these books:

-How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Forever! In 90 Minutes or Less
-Why Didn't He Call Back?
-How to Marry a Fabulous Man
-Actually , It Is Your Parents' Fault Why Your Romantic Relationship Isn't Working, and How to Fix It

I couldn't help but laugh at the titles of these books and ask myself, Who are the yahoos writing this crap and how are they getting published? What are their credentials? Some credit themselves with being therapists and psychologists, while others deem themselves as "relationship experts." What makes someone a "relationship expert" anyway, because I want to know where to sign up so I can start a load-of-crap book about love and relationships too.

Call me a cynic, but I'm pretty sure the answers to my love life are not hidden away in, How to Marry a Fabulous Man...and maybe I'm crazy, but I don't think you can force someone to love you in a matter of a mere 90 minutes...and, as much as I would like to hand the blame over to someone else for my failed relationships, I'm thinking the last two people I could ever pin it on would be my parents! Who is buying into this stuff?

I will confess, I did look at one in a little more detail - Deal Breakers, because it reminded me of the game L and I play where we ask each other about a feature/characteristic of a guy and ask if that's a deal breaker (and it's also a topic we both blogged about one evening.) My curiosity got the best of me. Basically, Dr. Bethany Marshall gives her take on when to work on a relationship and when to walk away. I like our version of deal breakers better.

Moral of the story, head over to the "Love and Relationships" aisle of your local bookstore for a few laughs....but if I'm still single 10 years from now, maybe I will give How To Make Someone Fall In Love With You Forever! In 90 Minutes or Less a try. :)

Appropriate vs Inappropriate

While being entertained by some good people watching on Saturday at a few different establishments, I caught myself labeling some of the things I witnessed as "Appropriate" vs "Inappropriate". Here are a few I came up with:

*Walking in with a Hawkeye sundress, knee high ref socks, and boots: Appropriate. This particular girl tried a trendy risk, that I think was worth taking, especially on a 65 degree day in November.

*Making awkward noises that you usually only hear in the bedroom as a way to express your frustrations during the game: Inappropriate. Use your words.

*Getting the whole crowd involved by cheering "I-O-W-A": Appropriate. Nothing like a good cheer to get the crowd back in the game.

*Taking your belt off and mock-hanging yourself to show your disappointed feelings after the loss: Inappropriate. Extremely offensive and completely unnecessary behavior that should not be tolerated.

*Buying a group of girls a round of drinks and then coming over to introduce yourself: Appropriate. Kudos for being brave enough to approach a table of girls by yourself. I wouldn't be brave enough to walk up to one guy, let alone a group of them, on my own.

*Pounding a few shots to celebrate (I'm assuming a birthday) with friends: Appropriate. (As long as you can handle it) This particular group looked like they were having a blast and I didn't witness anyone falling over or breaking a glass.

*Pounding a shot in front of a group of girls: I'm deeming this one inappropriate, because of the manner it was done in. I don't need you to pound the worst shot your buddy has ever bought you and talk about how awful it was, but that you still took it like a man to prove yourself to me. A simple conversation will suffice.

*Playing a game that has you and your friends in tears from laughing so hard: Appropriate. Having a good time with good friends is always appropriate in my book.

To the Tee

There's just something about the funny screen print tee...

Loops and Pluto:






Threadless:





Cafe Press:

What You Don't Use, You Lose

In order to avoid losing a few vacation days, being I can only carry over 10 days, I decided to work a very short week this week. So, alas, it's my Friday!

First order of business: Dress clothes off, sweats on...check! Combine that with a hearty bowl of chili (and a few Peachie-O's L so kindly surprised me with) and that, my friends, is my "Friday" night. (...why am I single again?!?)

Sunday evening while planning this short week out in my head, I thought, "Oh how great it will be, L will probably have Wednesday off, because she always has Wednesdays off it seems, and we could spend the day in the East Village." Unfortunately, L had today off and works tomorrow, and all my other friends are working as well, so now that I don't have anyone to play with, I had to come up with a plan B....

Plan B: A morning jog (pronounced yog), followed by a few household chores and a few errands, including a pit stop to the library to pick up the next book on my list, Born To Run. I'm hoping for a relaxing afternoon, curled up on the couch with my new book while basking in the sun (from the inside, of course) By no means an adventurous day, but honestly, a day away from my cubicle is enough to get me amped up.

I have a more adventuresome Thursday and Friday to look forward to, as my mom, sister, and Regan will be in town. We try to get a shopping trip in around this time every year - get some Christmas ideas rolling and possibly purchase a gift or two. I know the mall will be visited, and I'm hoping for some extra time to visit a few local spots in Valley Junction, Beaverdale, and the East Village.

Time for the mini vacay to begin!

¡Baila el Chiki-chiki!

When driving home from work each day, my mind often wanders. Tonight, to distract myself from the negative feelings I had towards driving home in the dark at 5:30 P.M., my mind wandered off to Summer 2008 when I vacationed in Greece.

One thing that I'll never forget is the music. I remember feeling a little piece of home every time I heard Madonna or Justin Timberlake. (both of whom they just love over there) I remember the feeling of excitement I felt when I recognized a Top 40 Greek tune. And then there's a certain little ditty that became both an inside joke and somewhat of a guilty pleasure while over there....maybe it was too much sun or the Sambuca, I don't know...but it always got us laughing and made us dance, like in Skiathos, when I danced to this little number with Reenie and the boys while the sun was rising.

A little background - Baila el Chiki-chiki was Spain's 2008 entry to Eurovision, which is comparable to our American Idol. It didn't win...not sure why :)

Dancing With Rose

I finally finished Dancing With Rose today. It's by no means a hard read, I guess just business and laziness as to why it took me so long. But the timing of reading this book couldn't have been more appropriate. I'm not willing to explain why over my blog...it just seems too private of an issue to write about in this type of public forum.

The book is about a woman, who after losing her mother to Alzheimer's, decides to start working at an Alzheimer's nursing home, in an attempt to understand the disease better.

I found her to be so intriguing. The more she worked at the nursing home, the more she was able to accommodate her patients. She didn't just go through the motions and do the daily chores this job required of her. She put thought into it. She studied her patients, their mannerisms, and their needs. She spoke with family members to gain a better understanding of who her patients were before Alzheimer's set in. She found ways to communicate with them and connect with them. She would try to figure out what world they were living in at the time and join them. (This known as validation therapy)

What was most intriguing to me, though, was the outlook she had about Alzheimer's when she stopped working at the nursing home. She used to think, like many people, that Alzheimer's was something to fear, and that death is almost a blessing for an Alzheimer's patient. But after working at the facility, her beliefs were beginning to change. She says of the old beliefs, "I find the remarks disquieting. They deny the person's humanity, as if the person ceased to be entitled to life because he or she had a disease."

She also says, "...but part of me has come to think of Alzheimer's, despite its obvious horrors, as a disease of freedom. It's not just memory that one loses. It is inhibition. It is pretense. The thin layer of civility that forces us healthy people to operate with equanimity even when we are tired or crabby or don't like someone or just want to be left alone-that's gone too. What remains is some unvarnished, unprotected self, maybe the self a person would have been had culture and society, gender and class, manners and mores not overlaid it. The buried self, the unlived self....But there's one thing about the folks of Maplewood, about people with Alzheimer's in general: they are real, even the ones like Frances M. and Marianne, who are seriously deluded. They don't have ulterior motives. They don't manipulate. They don't play games. They just are."

She also contemplates the controversial idea that Alzheimer's is a form of Zen enlightenment. She had spoken to a professor who said, "...Alzheimer's is a detaching disease. It detaches people from their memories, their selves. We can look at that as tragic and awful, or we can change the frame....Consider Zen which is all about clearing your mind, detaching from your thoughts, grounding yourself in the moment. Well, that's Alzheimer's."

Although I admire her unconventional thoughts towards the disease, I'm nowhere near the point where I can think in such a way. Truth be told, I see it as a painful and depressing feat, one that scares me than most things. I think one of the saddest days I could ever experience is the day a family member or friend would not remember who I am. I hope I never have to go through that.