A True 'Dear Journal' Moment

Last night L and I went to the Coldplay concert. I was expecting a great show but had no idea I would actually utter the words, "This is hands down the best concert I've been to yet." (especially after No Doubt.) There is just something about experiencing live music that sends you on this complete and natural high. All kinds of emotions are forcefully injected into your entire being, sending chills down your spine and producing goosebumps on your skin. It's the way that the lyrics somehow pertain to a particular personal life experience. It's the way the chords form into the song of your life. It's how the drums become the beat of your heart. And it's the vibe from the surrounding crowd that forms your soul.

There were several "omg" moments last night; the yellow balloons that dropped from the ceiling during, "Yellow," when the entire band made its way into the crowd for a couple of songs and were just feet away from our seats, and the confetti that fell during, "Viva La Vida." But one of the most intense moments, for me, was during the song, "Fix You."

I had a feeling going into the show that I would probably shed a few tears. Any of you who know me well enough should not be too surprised by this. And I did not disappoint. As the first few notes of the song were revealed, I looked over at L and gave her that look of, yep, this is where I will be brought back to a point of paramount significance in my life.

A rush of emotion came over me as the flashbacks of my past engulfed my soul. I couldn't help but think of all those heart wrenching moments that I once experienced; witnessing the struggle, the frustration, the hopelessness, and the pain. That feeling of failure I felt at the time suddenly came back as if I had never made peace with it.

I tried so hard. I somehow thought I would be able to fix it. After all, doesn't love heal all? It seemed like everyone gave up but I wouldn't. I would continue to put pressure on the wound to stop the bleeding. I would keep putting on the band aids. Eventually all my efforts would make it stop, or so I thought.

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

As the song finished, the crowd's screams of excitement and satisfaction snapped me back into reality. It's over. I've come to terms with it. I will always have these brief moments of my past come back to haunt me every now and then...but as I look back at L and she puts her arm around me and tells me she loves me, I realize that it's okay. I have room in my life to be susceptible to this kind of vulnerability every now and again, because I have been blessed with some of the most supportive friends and family a person could ask for. And they 'fix me.'